Never Ask Vincent
by AmandaBloodhart
Summary: What happens when Vincent is asked to take the kids out for Halloween? Well, before he gets a chance to… things go horribly wrong.


**A/N: I hope you all enjoy this story. This is probably the first fan fiction that I have finished ever. Let's just say I got bored around Halloween, and I mean really bored. R&R Please, but be gentle!**

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Tifa was sewing up Marlene's and Denzel's Halloween costumes, which the celebration was tomorrow. Denzel was to dress up as Cloud, and Marlene was to dress up as Aerith. Tifa sighed.

'_Marlene and Denzel can't go by themselves. Cloud is too busy, Barret is too busy, I'm too busy… hell, EVERYBODY is busy!'_

As if on cue, Vincent strolled through the front door wearing his usual attire. Tifa jumped up, accidentally puncturing her index finger on the needle.

"Owie!" she whined.

Vincent gave Tifa a quizzical look. It held a couple of questions like, "_How could you have possibly stabbed your finger, you idiot?!_" and "_What ARE you doing, woman!_" Tifa looked embarrassed and merely waved. No answer from the ex-Turk. They just stared for a long… long… LONG time. Then suddenly, an idea popped into Tifa's head and she gave a mischievous grin.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

"Seriously!"

"I was being serious."

Silence… Tifa's expression was a look of aggravation. She shook her head for a short moment.

"Are you busy tomorrow?"

"…Whhhy?"

"Becaaause… I need someone to go out for Halloween with Marlene and Denzel."

Silence once again.

"No."

"What do you mean no?!"

"No, as in, I am not busy, and, I don't wish to take them."

Tifa pouted, "But they'll be so disappointed! Please go, PWEEZE?!"

Vincent's eye noticeably twitched, as if unsure if he should go with the children, or run away from the pleading visage of the Barhostess.

"Why me?"

"Becaaause… you need to get to know them better, everybody else is busy, you'll be scary enough to protect them against any kidnappers or something, you are dressed like that all year round which is perfect for Halloween—"

"I get the idea."

"Well?"

"…Fiiine."

Tifa smiled brightly and glomped him, "Thank you!"

"…Get off me."

Next day, the kids were all ready by the time Vincent got there. Vincent looked extremely impatient at this point, due to the fact that a random ninja of Wutai named Yuffie was clinging to his back dressed up as Vincent.

"Will you go away?"

Yuffie grinned, "Now, why would I do that?"

"Because you look like an idiot."

"So you're saying that YOU'RE an idiot!"

"No, I'm saying you cannot pull off my look, because I AM Vincent Valentine. Now take that off and dress up as someone else."

"No! Besides, I'm like your clone now, so just call me… Mini-Vinnie!"

Dramatic music plays, as her pinkie finger was placed at the corner of her mouth like Dr. Evil, and conveniently enough, thunder boomed at this point in time. Red XIII strolled into the bar with a red cape and a gold crown atop his head, obviously dressed as Cait Sith. Cait came in with a red Mohawk and blue feathers, also obviously dressed as Red. Yuffie couldn't help but let her lips widen into the largest and most evil looking grin ever!

"Your costume is missing something."

Cait looked up at her, "What?"

Before anyone noticed, Yuffie used her ninja reflexes to quickly grab a random lighter on the counter, and light the tip of Cait's tail on fire. Despite the fact he was just some robot, he screamed like there was no tomorrow and began running around the room. As he continued to run around, he managed to run into curtains, which lit on fire of course. Vincent, due to his annoyance, he stepped on Cait's tail to extinguish the flame, however, despite his efforts, the bar was on fire, and Tifa came into the bar… then screamed.

"Why is it on fire!!!!???"

At that moment, Cid came in and unintentionally bumped into Vincent, who's box full of shotgun shells, fell out of his pocket and into a nearby flame.

"…That's not good."

Before anyone could react, the shells exploded and one hit Vincent in the gut.

"Ow!... Not again."

Vincent dies… everyone cries for a moment before they realize that the bar is still on fire. They all run out and Tifa is crying about her bar being in flames. Cid walks up to the flames as close as possible… to light his cigarette. Everybody looks at him as if he was some sort of idiot.

Cid blinked, "What?! My lighter was in there!"

Yuffie looks down at the lighter she holds, "…oh."

Cloud, the very tardy so-called hero who's practically EMO… finally arrives with a complete look of puzzlement. Barret arrived soon after, and was just as confused. Yuffie pulled out materia and grinned.

"I'll save your bar Tifa!"

Within a moment, Leviathan was summoned and a tsunami practically hit the entire town, destroying a lot of buildings, but at least the flames were put out in an instant. Tifa looked up at what was left of her tavern. She fell to her knees and wailed. Yuffie gently patted her on the back.

"It'll be okay. At least it's still standing!"

Again, as if on cue, Barret sneezed loudly and a low rumbling and creaking was heard coming from the torched bar. Everyone watched it anxiously until it finally collapsed. Tifa wailed much louder and Cloud began to pat her on the back. Yuffie scratched the back of her head.

"Well… at least you got us!"

At that moment, Tifa leaped at Yuffie and began choking her.

"I. Hate. You. SO. MUCH!" cried Tifa, punctuating each word.

"URK!"

Good news however, for all those Vincent lovers; Vincent came out of the rubble unharmed, except for his clothing. Everybody gasps, except for Tifa who's choking Yuffie, and Yuffie who's busy being choked.

"Why do you all like to stare at me like that?"

No one answered. It didn't matter however, because Vincent pulled out his cool kickass gun named Cerberus, and shot Tifa, Yuffie, Cid and Cait. Cloud got angry over Tifa's death, and attacked, but also got shot. Cait was just a robot so it doesn't matter. Yuffie on the other hand, everybody hates her. Tifa was stupid enough to ask Vincent of all people to take the kids out for Halloween, Yuffie was stupid enough to try and make Cait's costume too similar to Red, causing his tail to be on fire, and Cait was also stupid enough to run around in the first place, lighting the place on fire, despite the fact Cait can't FEEL anything. Cloud was attacking Vincent, so he only shot him as self defence… Cid now… Cid bumped into Vincent causing him to drop shells and cause his second death.

Now, remember kids, this is what happens on Halloween when Vincent is asked to do something… things go WRONG… VERY wrong.

THE END


End file.
